


3 letters

by realisticromanticbuthopelesslysingle



Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-06
Updated: 2014-07-06
Packaged: 2018-02-07 10:59:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,518
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1896534
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/realisticromanticbuthopelesslysingle/pseuds/realisticromanticbuthopelesslysingle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mickey needs Ian to forgive him and himself</p>
            </blockquote>





	3 letters

**Author's Note:**

> ummm so yeah, this started as a small idea and kind of kept going so I'm not sure how it turned out
> 
> also, takes place a few months after the season 4 finale

"Ian. just calm the fuck down ok.  I know you're upset but I need you to calm down."

"Fuck you Mickey!  You don't want me here anymore then don't worry about it, I'm gone."

****

Mickey rolled his eyes and sighed deeply, they had been arguing for 10 minutes and Ian had been trying to pack his bags the whole time.  He was so upset but he kept stopping to yell at Mickey or mumble to himself about how stupid he was.  Mickey wasn't necessarily arguing, just trying to get Ian to see reason and relax.  This happened sometimes after he had a therapy session.  It would bring up whatever pain Ian had locked away and instead of talking about it with Mickey, Ian would lash out and start an argument.  He never got this mad at anyone else when he was like this.  Mickey could tell when he felt it because he would clench and unclench his fist over and over, but he would just walk away from everyone else.  Not Mickey though, with Mickey it was "don't touch me" "get away from asshole" "you don't want me here then I'm leaving" and of course the one that Mickey hated the most "i'm done with you and done with this."

Mickey knew it was from all the emotions he had to confront at therapy and always tried really hard not to get mad.  He would just breathe and wait Ian out, eventually Ian would stop yelling and demand Mickey "say something already" and Mickey took that as his cue to hug and/or kiss him.  That was all it took and Ian would deflate and start apologizing, realization washing over his face that he had another outburst. Sometimes, when the outburst was a bit stronger, Ian would try and pull away and Mickey had to grab him and say "I love you dammit, kiss me."  But those times where when Mickey knew the therapist had talked with Ian about his time away or about the Terry/Svetlana incident.  After those type of outbursts Mickey would pull him into their room and proceed to worship Ian's body and whisper to him how he felt like the biggest fag ever but he needed him to know how much he loved every inch of Ian.  Mickey didn't care if he did sound like a little fairy, he knew it helped to reassure Ian that he was okay and that Mickey wanted him and only him, no matter what had happened before and no matter how fucked up his brain was.

Today was different though, today when he picked Ian up he heard the therapist tell Ian "You have to tell him about this Ian, he needs to know it haunts you.  Until you discuss it you are just hurting your progress."  Mickey didn't know what that had been about and didn't press the issue until they had gotten home and eaten dinner.  For once the Milkovich house was empty and Mickey was glad, whatever Ian needed to discuss obviously wasn't going to be easy and Mickey knew Ian hated when other people saw him have an outburst.

"Hey Gallagher"

"Hmm"

"Heard what the doc said today, about you needing to tell someone something.  Do you ummm, do you want to talk about it?"

"Why do you just assume she meant it was you?"

"Didn't, just wandering if you needed to talk and shit."  There was a bit of a silence before Ian responded.

"It is about you ok and no I don't want to talk about it."

"But didn't she say" Ian interrupted before Mickey could finish.

"Yes, I know what she said Mickey because I was there ok, I'm the one who is always fucking there and will always be there because like Monica and Frank I'm just the next Gallagher who is just a crazy fucking burden that my family has to take care of.  So no, I don't want to talk about it, what I want to do is just enjoy this right now."  Ian then turned back to the movie they had not really been watching until Mickey said "I know Ian but the doctor said holding in your feelings isn't good."

That was all it took to set Ian off and start the argument that they were currently engaged in.  Of course when Mickey tried to calm him Ian began his "we're done" fit and marched into the room.  

***

"Ian, of course I want you here.  Fuck dude, I'm just trying to help." Mickey used his soft voice and placed his hands over Ian's hands that had still been packing his clothes.

Ian immediately softened and looked at Mickey, he hated when he reacted this way but he couldn't help himself.  "Sorry Mickey, just please don't make me talk about it."

"I won't make you Ian, I won't but I think it might help." Mickey was concerned but also curious since Ian had confirmed that whatever was bothering him and concerning the doctor had to do with Mickey.

"It won't" was Ian's quiet reply, which only made Mickey even more curious.

"How do you know for sure?"

"Because Mickey, I just know."  Ian, who had stopped unpacking and just stood sadly in front of Mickey, finally looked up.  "Look Mickey, I know I probably should talk about it but I really just want to enjoy this while it lasts ok.  I know who I am, and what people need from me and if I get to pretend for a little while that I'm something more then I'm going to enjoy it." Ian gave a sad smile and walked back to the living room.

Mickey just stood there kind of dumbfounded and didn't know what to say.  What the hell was Ian talking about?  What did he mean something more?  Mickey knew he should probably just let it go but he couldn't, curiosity got the best of him and he headed back to the living room.  He could tell Ian wasn't watching the movie by the way he was staring straight ahead.  Carefully, with his heart beating practically out of his chest, he walked in front of Ian "I want to know Ian."

"You'll only get mad Mickey, just let it go."

"I promise I won't get mad Ian, just talk to me."

Ian looked annoyed and then started to get angry  "For a guy who didn't want to talk for 4 fucking years you sure want to do an awful lot of talking now. Fine, you want to know so fucking bad I'll tell you, but I don't want to talk about it after.  We're not going to discuss it and you don't get to comment."

Mickey was getting nervous now but he had started this and if whatever it was could make Ian this upset then he definitely needed to know. "Ok Ian, I'll agree that we won't talk about it now but if it's important I eventually get to comment."

"Fine fuck, whatever." 

Mickey waited silently, recognizing that Ian was just gathering his mental strength.

Ian begin to speak while staring down at his hands, "I told her you were right, the doctor I mean, I told her you were right about what you said.  With Kash, with Ned, all those years with you, and with all the guys from when I was gone." Ian smirked sadly "The ones I remember and the ones that are just a blur.  For all of you I was just a warm mouth.  For a while I thought maybe I could be more, with you I mean...with us, but then everything happened, you know with Svetlana and then the Army.  I just wanted somebody to want me."  Ian paused and shook his head as though he were trying to shake his thoughts free.  "No, that's not true, I wanted you to want me."

Mickey was looking at him and if Ian had looked he would've seen the hurt and regret flooding his face but Ian refused to meet his eyes and just trudged on.  "Anyway for a while after you came and found me I let myself hope and when you came out at the Alibi I just...I felt so...whatever that doesn't matter because right after that my brain broke. Mickey I know you say you want to help me but being bipolar is for life.  I've accepted it and even though I fucking hate it I know I can't change it. I love you and I know the amazing guy that you really are.  You deserve better than to be forced into another relationship with someone you didn't choose.  I'm never going to be the same boy as before Mickey, I'm not going to be who you chose.  There will be mood swings, depression, medication, doctor appointments, a whole slew of shit that will drag on and drag you down.  Nobody should have to deal with the shitstorm that is my life now.  This bipolar shit just confirms it, it's just who I am.  So that's what I'll do, I'll be your warm mouth until you don't need one anymore.  I'm going to enjoy this while I can." Ian was crying by this point and though he didn't notice, Mickey was too.  "I won't be mad when it's over Mick, I promise I'll never be mad about it and I will always love you."

Mickey couldn't believe what he had just heard, that comment had haunted him since he had said it.  That stupid fucking comment was the dumbest and biggest lie he had ever told.  He knew Ian remembered it because sometimes after Mickey said I love you Ian would joke that he only loved his warm mouth just to make Mickey cringe.  Then he would laugh and kiss Mickey and assure him he was joking, but this was different.  This was his brain remembering something awful and convincing him that it was true.  This was bi-fucking-polar fucking with his head again and leading him down a dangerous path.

Like he promised, he didn't press Ian to talk about it or explain further, instead he got up and sat next to him, grabbing his hand with his left arm and wrapping his right arm around the back of Ian and stroking his hair.

***

All night Mickey couldn't sleep, he just watched Ian curled around him sleeping.  Ian woke up like normal and didn't mention the previous night.  Mickey couldn't shake that conversation though and when Ian came back in from his morning run still acting as though everything was normal he made a decision.  They wouldn't ever talk about it just like Ian wanted.  But Mickey would make damn sure Ian never thought or felt like a warm mouth ever again.

 

**2 Weeks Later**

Ian bounced along happily chattering while Mickey walked silently by his side.  They were headed back from the Gallagher family dinner and thankfully it had gone well.  Mickey was only partially listening to Ian as he talked, at the forefront of his mind were the 3 letters he had waiting for Ian back home in their room.  

Ian was on him the moment they walked into the house.  Ian grabbed Mickey to him and squeezed his hips while rotating comforting circles with his thumb.  "You're so fucking hot Mick, I want to be inside you right now."

"Yeah right Gallagher, you're just horny because I made it through an entire Gallagher dinner without throwing a punch or fucking anybody up."

"Yeah Mick, you're right, when you play nice with my family I get super horny.  But those eyes, your cute legs, and this fucking ass (Ian said this while squeezing a handful of Mickey's ass) make me want to rip your clothes off and fuck you into the mattress."

"Woah there tough guy, you know I still have to go to the Alibi and you have homework.  Fiona will make you move back home if you don't stay on top of your schoolwork."

"Yeah yeah I know, never thought I'd see the day Mickey Milkovich turns down my cock."

"Ay fuck you Gallagher I ain't turning down shit, just postponing.  Besides, I fucking hate finishing and then having you jump up and leave the bed to go finish a project or read some shit.  Lately I been waking up without you and falling asleep without you.  I ain't no bitch but that shit is fucking lonely."

"Aww my poor Mickey," Ian laughed while lowering his hands and no longer grinding his hips.  "Ok, give me just an hour or two to finish.  I did most of it earlier."

"Alright man, I should be back in 2 or 3 hours ok."

"Ok bye Mick."  Ian leaned in and gave Mickey a quick kiss as he turned back toward the front door.

"Oh um Ian, after you finish your work can you read the papers I left on the bed.  Not until after you finish though.  Seriously Ian, finish your damn homework first."

"Geez ok, what is it anyway?"

"Just, fuck, it's just papers ummm but after your work ok."

Ian nodded his head in agreement, already pulling out school books.  

Mickey took one last look at him and headed out feeling a little on edge, those letters put it all on the line for Mickey.  The fear coursing through him (even though it was nothing compared to the sadness and defeat he had heard in Ian's voice and saw in Ian's eyes that night) almost made him change his mind because Milkovich's didn't do feelings and romance, but the only way Mickey knew to express himself sat there on the bed in 3 different envelopes. 

***

Ian finished much quicker than expected and had just decided to settle in and watch a movie until he remembered the letters.  He figured he would read over them quickly so he would be able to help Mickey with whatever it was and then head back to the couch to watch a movie and wait for Mickey to come home.  Ian walked in and paused when he glanced at the letters on the bed.  Each was marked with a number and a pack of M & M's.   _(An inside joke from one of the boys late night chats when Ian suggested Mickey's favorite candy should be M &M's instead of Snickers because of his name and because they both had a hard outer shell but were soft and sweet inside.  Mickey laughed and said Ian was the one who should love M&M's since they were so much like Mickey)  _Ian laughed remembering the conversation and picked up the first letter.

***

Mickey paced back in forth in front of the Milkovich front door before he decided he was being a pussy and he just needed to go inside.  He took a deep breath and decided "fuck it" and walked inside.  His heart skipped a beat at the silent and lonely feeling of the house before he heard his room door open and a tear streaked faced Ian come bounding toward him.  

 

'I fucking _*kiss*_ love you _*kiss*_ so fucking much _*kiss kiss kiss*_ so fucking much!!!  I just _*kiss kiss*_ don't know how or why _*kiss*_ I was lucky enough to fall in love with you but _*kiss*_ I will never take it for granted _*kiss kiss kiss*_.  

Mickey was laughing and wiping the tears from Ian's face between kisses, all anxiety was gone and even though it was completely gay he felt like he was floating.  "I love you too Ian."

"Mickey, what I said a few weeks ago after my session, that day..."

"No Ian, we won't talk about it, I promised.  As long as you know I mean what I said and you talk to me whenever you start doubting yourself. I'm not always good at the words but I'm trying. Ok?"

"Ok Mick, I promise.  You are the sweetest man ever and I love you so much.  Thank you for everything, I know it was hard but thank you Mickey."

Mickey squeezed Ian's hips and laughed while playfully rolling his eyes, "Yeah well nobody else better ever fucking see that sappy thing or you're a dead man."

"Don't worry, but I'm definitely keeping it forever. Now can you please get the fuck in the room so I can eat M&M's off your ass and fuck you all night?"

"You're a fucking weirdo Gallagher" Mickey laughed as he allowed Ian to drag him into their room.

"Yeah but you never say no Mick"  Ian whispered as he pushed Mickey back against the closed bedroom doors and slowly begin to palm his cock through his trousers.

"And I never will Ian," Mickey groaned into Ian's hands "I will never say no to you."

 

***

**Letter 1**

_ State of Illinois Petition for Divorce _

_ Michael Milkovich vs Svetlana Milkovich _

 

**Letter 2**

 

_Dear Mr. Milkovich,_

 

_Attached you will find a list of apartments and homes for rent in the specified price range.  I took into account the checklist of your specifications and I think the attached list of availables fits perfect.  I look forward to helping you and your boyfriend find the place that is right for you._

 

_Mickey's Checklist:_

  * _Not Southside but close (boyfriend needs to see his family)_
  * _Not far from Psych clinic (my boyfriend's got appointments there twice a week)_
  * _Not far from the L ( it's fucking noisy but we ride it for everything)_



 

**_Sincerely,_ **

**_Johanssen Rental Locators_ **

 

**Letter 3**

Ian,

I'm not good at this talking about my feelings shit, but you love it so here goes.  You were supposed to read 1 & 2 already so you know I'm asking Svetlana for a divorce and I'm trying to get us our own place.  I'm doing it because I love you Ian and I want you to know that I mean it.  You were never ever just a warm mouth to me.  I was so scared of my dad and the rest of the assholes in this fucking hellhole that I fucked up and said something to you that was never true.  When I walked out of juvie the first time and you were there with Mandy I could barely focus because the only 2 people I loved in the world where there.  The minute my brain had that thought I was terrified. I knew it was dangerous but there wasn't anything I could do.  I loved you Gallagher from that moment and for the rest of time.  I tried to fight it but I guess that whole fucking Alibi announcement proves that didn't work out.  

Those old bastards you were with don't count, they were fucking gross.  The guys you were with while you were gone don't count because they are creepy fuckers who should be shot for taking advantage of an under-aged kid who obviously needed help and not party fucking favors. Fuck Kash, fuck Ned, and fuck all those other fucking dudes.  Ian everybody ends up just being a warm mouth until they find the one for them, Mandy calls that shit finding your soul-mate or something.  I don't know if you believe in that but all I know is you're fucking it for me.  Nobody else ever thought I was worth anything until you, hell I never wanted to prove to anybody that I was worth anything before you.  It's fucking gay and I will kill you if you ever tell anybody I said this but it feels good when you say you're proud of me.  I am so proud of you and I like when I make you proud.  I'm sorry for what I said and I will apologize until we are fucking each other as old wrinkly men and falling asleep wrapped around each other.  I refuse to let you think anything bad about yourself, you are everything to me.  

I am all in Ian, no matter what fucking happens I am sticking with you.  This fucking bipolar doesn't change who you are, it makes me love you more because you are fighting it. You are strong and you refuse to give in like Monica or make excuses like Frank.  You are better than both of them.  We all need you all the time Ian, your siblings, Mandy, and me.  Those few weeks when you were in bed were horrible, I missed everything even all your fucking talking.  Nobody loves like you love Ian, your heart is so fucking good and your smile is so fucking amazing.  I can't live without your smile Ian, I can't fucking live without you.  You are not just trying to enjoy this until it's over because we will never be over.

I'm sorry Ian, I didn't mean it, I could never mean it.  You are everything.  Don't think about that stupid comment again, don't worry that I'm leaving.  I am trying and I will keep trying because I meant what I said before, what you and I have makes me free Ian.

 

Mickey

(I refuse to write that xo bullshit Ian, I am not some fag or a 13 year old girl)

 


End file.
